Hi There!
I’m Carrie. I feel extremely blessed to have this opportunity to share my heart with you all. I have to admit that I can let fear of rejection hold me back still today from speaking the things in my heart. I have experienced God’s work in marvelous ways in my life and as a result I am a new creation. My life as a whole has been transformed! My marriage has been saved and is healthy and thriving, the way I look at life, struggles, world issues is completely different. So I step out of my comfort zone, out of my little cocoon, in hopes that truths that I’ve learned over time, the struggles I still face will inspire you to turn to God and His word in every area of your life and that the resulting changes in you will be a blessing to everyone around you. I will begin with my testimony, writing humbly from my heart, of the self-doubt, impurity and insecurity that once consumed me praying that as I share my story of pain and struggle that you’ll find victory in your life. As time allows, I will begin sharing posts on specific areas of change, growth, current challenges….I encourage you to let me know how you’re doing, how I can pray for you and areas in which you would like some guidance. I was and am a broken vessel that’s why I need Jesus so desperately….He holds me together, I may have some visible cracks but Jesus mends and carries me.
Alright, here we go, here is my story.
For as long as I can remember, I loved romance….I still do! I wanted to be a Cinderella – beautiful and lovely. I was a very goofy, playful person. I spent a lot of time with my neighbors, especially in the summer, playing kickball and soccer, making forts and bike riding. All of my neighbors were boys, except for one girl, and she was my age. Her parents were divorced and she lived with her mom who worked most of the time. We did a lot of walking and talking, riding our bikes, building forts and hanging out at her place.
My friend developed physically at a young age and there were two older teenage boys down the road who sexually abused her. It was always one or the other. They would go to her house when her mom wasn’t there, they would interrupt some of our walks jumping out of the cornfield, grabbing her and pulling her away. I would continue walking, going home until she told me about things later. I can remember running through the woods as one of the boys had found our fort and were chasing us….actually her. I heard many stories from her growing up and all too often I believed these boys really cared about her.
Now there were times growing up that I didn’t think I was good enough, but these feelings began to increase to more dangerous levels as she developed and I didn’t, as she was desired by these boys and I wasn’t. I actually began to wonder why they didn’t choose me, what was wrong with me? I became obsessed with the way I looked. I can’t tell you how many times I looked in the mirror and cried because the person looking back at me wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t physically developing – I would get hysterical about one hair being out of place, I would try outfit after outfit on until one seemed suitable, but of course never good enough. I felt horribly ugly. I would compare myself to others all the time, it was an endless cycle of insecurity and self-hate. I would even fantasize about being so desired by a man that he would use any means to get what he wanted – just to feel I was desirable like she was.
When my fantasies became reality, it was devastating. I was date raped at 15 – squirming, backing away, physically trembling, but unable to utter the word “no” above a whisper for fear of hurting his feelings, fear of what people would think if they knew I said no, fear that he wouldn’t want me if I didn’t comply….and yet I was left with the realization that this boy didn’t care about me at all, my fear was confirmed – he had deceived me and I was rejected even though he got what he wanted!
Shortly after this experience, I had a few trusted adult men in my life make inappropriate advances. I began to believe that all men wanted one thing – sex.
The lies that I had been feeding myself grew in my mind and I grabbed a hold of them. In 11th grade, I ended up in a serious relationship with a person who was in the beginning unappealing to me in every way but extremely persistent and obsessive, which I thought showed great love. After dating a while, doubts of his love loomed in my mind. Soon, I feared going to the movies, walking around the mall, going to the beach – you name it – if he saw someone more beautiful, I was sure he would leave. If he noticed another girl, it actually made me feel in essence like he was betraying me and that I wasn’t good enough. Girls are of course everywhere, so I was constantly waging war with him. It seems I had 2 sides; one that was loving, happy, energetic and another that was hurtful, angry and very jealous. I spewed venom from my mouth with numerous accusations, making him feel like a pig and putting him in a position to constantly defend himself. I lashed out on myself, hitting my body so hard I left bruises, I hit him… and I received and tolerated being hit, strangled and pushed around by him because I felt I deserved it and I feared being alone.
After dating him for 4 years, we married and moved to Arizona. I began working at a ballroom dance studio. Because of his abuse and lies, I had many people encouraging me to divorce him. They knew nothing of my own struggle and the hurt and abuse I was causing in the relationship. We were having financial struggle in addition to our other problems and we decided to move back to Michigan. He left before me, so I could do a dance competition I was committed to. Within a month after he left, a year into our marriage, I called and asked for a divorce.
It was during this time that JR walked into my life. He was hired as another dance instructor at the studio. JR & I spent a lot of time together; he was understanding, a gentleman, full of dreams, excited about his future, determined and encouraging. He treated me wonderfully – writing me loving letters, taking me to special places, taking walks with me and listening. It soon became clear that our relationship was going beyond friendship. I shared my struggles with him, and he was persistent and determined to love me through them. I believe he wanted to rescue me with his love. JR & I married one month after my divorce and….the cycle of fear, pain and dysfunction continued. Again I threw all sorts of accusations at him… assuming the worst of him, I went into rages, and made him feel like a pig. JR was afraid to even look at other women, to say he felt others were beautiful…anything. Through all of this, JR stood by me, loving me, encouraging me, still writing me letters – I seen only a man who desired to love me fully and unconditionally. I’m sure inside he was dying, but I don’t remember anger consuming JR, if there was I was blinded, to consumed with my own inner struggle. Then there was a defining moment, that I told JR “I was just going to assume the worst of him.” Little did I know how hopeless this would make him feel. Shortly after I said these words, about 8 months into our marriage, JR spoke the words that would change me forever…”I don’t love you anymore.” My whole world was shaken and I was devastated. I was destroying yet another person. Within a month, JR was sent on a 3 month TDY to Canada for the Airforce and I flew back to Michigan… with the realization that another divorce was looming.
There was only one love strong enough to rescue me from my darkness and that was the love of Jesus. At the encouragement of my mom and best friend, I went and spoke with a minister and it was there that my relationship with Jesus began and my eyes were opened to true love.
God desired only the best for me – total and absolute security and freedom. He didn’t want me to feel ugly, unwanted, rejected, or to be full of fear about what others felt about me. He didn’t want me comparing myself with models, movie stars and my peers. God wanted me to discover and embrace my special, unique qualities both inwardly and outwardly, but sin rendered me useless as I let Satan have a foothold in my mind. I so desired deep love, romance and to feel desirable, needed and wanted…but I went about it the wrong way. I looked to man to fulfill a need that only God can fill…my eyes were veiled for so long.
The minister I went to, suggested a couple Christian books and I went out and bought them. As I read, I learned a lot about the lies I had been feeding myself all these years. Believing lies that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, loved enough… The veil lifted and though I was dirty, unworthy and full of sin – stained as red as crimson – Jesus with His everlasting, undying love died on the cross for me. These realizations changed me and though I didn’t attend church regularly and serve him faithfully at this point in my walk with Him, I was definitely becoming a new creation. Through my unwavering belief in who God was and what He could do, God took away my insecurities. I was able to be at peace with who God created me to be.
Once I began this journey, I started writing JR letters, sent him songs that I felt spoke about our relationship, sent special gifts while he was in Canada all in hopes that he would give our relationship another chance. Nothing seemed to make a difference and once I knew he was back in Arizona, I decided to go and get some more of my stuff. Once we seen each other again and spent some time during that weekend he decided to give it another try!
The road hasn’t been an easy one. JR & I had 2 more separations before he came to the Lord. Once he did, within weeks of each other we were both baptized and beginning new lives. We began attending church together and I learned more and more about how I was made in God’s image, precious in His sight, created to shine beauty, written on the palm of His hand, that even the hairs on my head were numbered, that God would never leave me nor forsake me, that He is my refuge and He has counted my tears….but this didn’t miraculously take all our troubles away. There was a lot of anger, abuse and hidden struggle to work through, financial strain, moves and just learning to live like Jesus…. But God has been faithful and has been with us…with me… every step of the way, through struggle and joy, He is my Rock and my salvation and my life is full of purpose because of Him. I look at myself as a broken vessel with God holding me together making me beautiful in spite of all my failures. I fall short….but God holds me together, He sees me through, He forgives and turns the good into bad….He makes me beautiful.
Think about this, diamonds, in their natural state, are rough. Not only are they unpolished, but to most people they don’t appear to be diamonds at all. Their beauty is unrevealed to the viewer, hidden, undiscovered, untapped potential, awaiting a polishing by the person who is able to see what lies beneath. That’s God! He can see what we often cannot see. In fact the diamonds true beauty is only realized through the cutting and polishing process. God is my polisher and in His time I will be a beautiful diamond!
Through these posts I want you to discover beauty…true, lasting beauty that shines throughout your entire lives, where you can sparkle like jewels in a crown. I want you to realize just how precious you are…unique, treasured, special, set apart…. I want you to discover the beauty you possess because of His love and purpose for you…. just like I did…where God holds you together broken pieces and all…throwing off depression, failure, insecurity, impurity, and the world’s expectations…anything that binds you and letting Christ shine through you!